long-awaited dream/interwoven zeitgeist/the pulse of A ferocious future everyday by Patrick Gunasekera
This piece was commissioned by Midsumma as part of the COVID-19 responsive initiative Living in the Queerantine. Midsumma launched the small grants program as a response to the mass loss of the Melbourne queer arts industry (due to COVID-19). This piece is part of a series of works from our LGBTQIA+ arts community, that gives Midsumma audiences an insight into queer art during the COVID-19 pandemic in 2020.
~ Patrick Gunasekera
These works were written from Boojamooling, a seasonal meeting place in the Whaduk region of Noongar boodjar.
These works detail experiences of trauma relating to homophobia, ableism, misogyny, racism, violence against children, mental illness and suicide ideation. These themes are explored in contexts of medical institutions, in community, street harassment, online trolling, systemic oppression and in the childhood home.
My use of the term “(en)abled” to denote people who do not have lived experience of disability was inspired by Eli Clare’s essay freaks and queers from the 2009 edition of Exile and Pride, first published in 1999.
Header image description: A rectangular photomontage. The background on the left half of the image is a close-up of a golden yellow Lankan batik sarong fabric with black detailing. The background on the right half of the image is a wide shot of the Perth Cultural Centre amphitheatre, an grey brick floor with wide yellow and lavender painted steps leading down to it, with orange block seats on some of the steps and a blue sky, some heritage and hotel buildings, leafless trees and the corner of the amphitheatre screen in the distance. Overlaying the photo of the amphitheatre is three of the same overlapping photograph of Patrick with purple, magenta and red borders, in which Patrick is wearing black pants, a black leather corset-style waist cincher, and black leather arm harnesses, with bare torso and arms and holding a black cane in the right hand and extending with the left hand a black leather BDSM collar with a gold O-ring and swinging gold chain leash. Overlaying the image of the yellow batik is a blackout poem which reads “long-awaited/dream/interwoven zeitgeist/the pulse of/A/ferocious/future/everyday”.
1.
Image description: a blackout poem which reads “reclaim/the/Bridge/name/homage to/versions of/how/you can”.
Hospital youth fluorescent long nights then. Cotton white blanket to, bulky coarse under and lie still bed here panic numb or. Few months or so every this again. Home abuse unsafe again burn break shutdown million mile hours or me again. Baby autistic, baby mad, learning of still how to this life thing of they.
But okay say I. Yes oh. This brain that brain pretty, your brain my brain good. Easy. Chill so.
Hospital of not ever they like as so. Promised me of safety here and better here will but not then.
This patient is Patrick he is extremely schizophrenic
Patrick why are you wearing all this makeup
So you’re into guys
Hmm
Emergency bay bed of, beeping scratchy wails commands ever every and. Crimson lurid chunky of sanitise pump beside, they every time pump pungent sting up nostrils lurking like again again. Watching observing. Curious alarmed unsettled they. Curtain turquoise crepe of open close open, plastic rings running whoosh scratch and another another all night.
When did you decide you were gay
Like teenager young then like couldn’t possibly I know. Of one night so terror upset I of that that other things why nothing sexuality of but insist liaison nurse doctor did they.
Can you tell me when you came out
No I do need to know
I understand it’s not why you’re here but we still need to include it in your notes
Never they past looked see to me. Just schizo lipstick boy.
Tell me why you dress like this
Please not this here I am why something else something else that please can you. Help.
Ever hospital I was go never about sexuality then. Please help always something else hearing voices domestic violence suicide like that not identity ever. And every time but, always they would.
Tell me more about how you identify
Oh well that’s very confusing isn’t it
No not so it’s mine mine don’t speak that like so.
So would you say that you’re a bisexual then
Sometimes I no no not relevant no stop please. They hmm then uncooperative medication discharge go, and help no still okay no but go. No choice.
Fifteen age me once happy queer and diagnostic summary official like them put schizoaffective etcetera and too ego-dystonic sexual orientation.
Earlier six months from, two months I youth ward psychosis episode first of then. And psychiatrist me treating there they to parents did.
Yes, you can see that he is not in touch with reality with how he wears women’s clothes like this
* * *
When COVID-19 then, they all yes oh yes oh everywhere they. Hospital safe, hospital good, hospital heroes yes. Nurse doctor hard work so hard oh. Yes. But. Me and you and you and you teenager us when they never wasn’t good no no. Young not straight not cis not white not coloniser or and. Our experiences then now every and not that. Always me terrified stuck no will not hospital go crisis now fear again it happen they. Wrong me weird me discipline him how like that me. Fucking weirdo no one of wants belong or.
Crises sometimes even death close even but no hospital cannot go I that make things worse would much so because. Could have died I. But last refuge there place safe not.
So teenager when I was many bad there. Why they diagnose not listen not say misbehaving me hearing voices when help please I. Why they did years years to I. None have answers closure of I still.
Look up down they at hmm like me mannequin as not there or. Everything here feel I in do but look talk they to nobody as if empty I. Just schizo lipstick boy.
Then although also, of course. Now alive I thank you doctor nurse occupational therapist who and saw okay saw me is okay thank you then now. Two three maybe then of like.
But oh else else every I was me here still here now I had to I had to I, me. Believe don’t ever you that this us disability strong I still here for doctor inspiration proud strong of this. No, us us and each other here why is strong. Healing trauma hospital carers family us every day us work me work, me.
The home such too now and, say COVID-19 they safe home stay home. Child teenager punch bag target I no couldn’t home of so then. City library café train art gallery run away again ever could I to all day, concrete anonymous hidden safe so not home so. And hospital too no of so, for me. For many.
These such so architectures do discriminates by design. Scaffolding of once blessed fruitful necessary law authority colony by systemically predominant society by and cast stone plasterboard legislation to repression codified so.
Hence hospital why neutral not this one, ever nor settler colonial nation state through. Medicine who for also not. Western system entire of then, now what see. When did homosexuality okay and since medicine western of. 1975, 1997, here decriminalisation and but so still much trans intersex nonbinary yet and. Most even all almost before did okay they enshrine codify, universities old DSM mental illness homosexuality gender culture knowledge scholarship of us then canon of without and. Wrong sick deviant that.
Can you tell me how long you’ve been gay
Notes write write hmm eyes their I see. Other other other. Canon that culture freak refrain and ever but too today today here. Hospital if must butch I mask masc hide just please this one.
Had oh never at young believed this I today can here can I. Brave I in go if. Adult freedom of what say I, what hide I. Breathe. Shhh. Won’t take long so.
Say they COVID-19 isolation lock-down quarantine never seen before of like. But we oh remember. Old Fremantle Lunatic Asylum Claremont Hospital for the Insane then. Locked up monsters broken horrors we as if. Cerebral palsy epilepsy dementia autism we lunatic inmates patients become. Study cure empty objects projects wrong of we. Care pity duty fumbling intervening they. Danger to danger us hide go away or cease they.
I hear us you, I hear of no. Ghost of no not this colony not this city not this life not me ever anywhere but sequester confiscate punish away deep hide close lock the door look away go.
During the year 1887 there have been seven deaths among inmates, 6 male and 1 female, at the Asylum
In every case a Coroner’s jury has brought in a verdict of “Death from Natural Causes”
The people of the State have an institution of which they should feel justly proud
Architecture a medium ideology of such. They again again all city centre colony suburbia. Great surface rust or cream grand old standing here of past. But such heritage oh protected what of. Stairs they no home my. Stairs they of time we handicapped poor things nobody they we. No go nowhere learn work home and. Institution asylum go away die such mercy oh saviour such pity angelic deeds and horror we, and so.
And so back again again here stairs institutions medical model and I hear of no. Put they these stairs bad you and in me, hill distance unbreakable yet in me. Say now me no I can do no access needs none so. And crash empty isolate no can food education speech walking no public space community socialise commute I all stop years years so of.
Heritage still they love past theirs so proud so honour. Buildings institutions languages of speak stairs cages. Ever of concrete gates plaster ghosts. Ever of we disability truths wisdoms autonomy nothing matter nothing.
Here enforced new world they go no Noongar no queer no broken deviant good.
Here today heritage they protocol they grand mark of then now and.
In me.
In you.
* * *
November last of. Community art gig to go city past out. Tartan skater dress Converse taupe eyeliner black I solid free and myself look to.
Art gig about was survivors sexual violence trauma healing, together art be talk express meet and. There venue unfamiliar I to this one, but know friends peers old new I and to. This night good sure to be and safe.
Pale dusk breezy streets through serene leisurely, to out coffee strip bookshop good night past and art space to.
Then.
Welcome! Please meet us upstairs
Hmm I. No say event page of access this like not, must then. Entrance other another hi excuse me is please can you. Hey uh. Hmm.
See I then artist mate old perform to programmed he on tonight I hey host manager or is may I here could please you. Thank you.
Skipping hop like stairs down, buoyant white sleeves glossy hair bounce and to me. Event organiser of.
Hey so we have a proble
There’s no other entrances
Lean steps on swaying legs like and at see me. Get it I yeah, I’m the problem.
Cool firm collected I educate explain responsibilities we community and, arts and, culture and, inclusive of work to important important this one all us must, you know.
Then I um event so no any say stairs like so came why I now can’t but, may refund full please would.
Yeah of course
Yeah I totally made a big mistake not mentioning the venue would be inaccessible
Worse mistake foremost of inaccessible event first place of, community conversation everyone vital of this safety healing violence trauma and here be should all.
But don’t say of this I.
Instead performance artist brain active hmm go could stay I here bottom steps event duration performance intervention like I and permission yours with tonight.
They alright by so.
Artist mate old bomber jacket here thanks.
7 o’clock evening 10:30 night to I outside sit Stella cane she and I. Alone nothing say. Setting sun peachy cast one two three by hipsters artists young happy and again again come to. See they queer and walking stick and big steps stairs many beyond up and.
Silence they oh. Cripple stairs and oh.
Hush past they I Stella pull in so they past can up up and go. Weird look ugh uneasy smile heh or. Another, another, silently. Oops.
Realistically of, stairs could gotten I there up night that then. But I not. I not why stairs never should here at all because. Support if carry if rest I up or, no win justice disabled all so. So choose I stay sit witness they I, witness they us. Not myself of act why, for every us must why I.
One two now half hour then while. Navy dim cobblestone asphalt street alone night I sit. Up floor floors stairs high they music hear lights see laughter applause joy community love there. Spirit weary numb I much too to hurt. Shit time such night.
During though sit did write think I hmm accessibility manifesto social media maybe photograph here movement to let’s and. Yes yes okay.
But interrupt suddenly break half then time down they stairs all and.
Were you gonna come and then stairs got in your way
It’s tricky! Venues are tricky! Especially cos the building’s heritage, but I get the protest
Satin scrunchie tying hair preoccupied they wipe clean history trauma pluck toss heritage excuse to just cos must be like.
Someone tell then earlier organiser eyes balling upstairs of me why. Guess not movement social media change tonight after then I.
How could such I if upset they so. Tears they of protect must I. Go away I silence if must.
Then organiser they come down sit and moment.
How is your night going
What could say then at all I. Weary I sullen anguish go away inside no inside like again. Crying feel to like all night but can’t why numb witnessed watched and.
Could not say such I them to then.
So simple dilute I this that you how about then.
But.
Curl they feet elbow around trumpet sleeves wipe face teary and.
I can’t believe I forgot to mention the venue was inaccessible
Moment more and they there. Share open heavy they such long long day night work vulnerable so.
Hold I soothe comfort. Push push pain mine down go away.
Gentle soft say hard time I know such work great you look proud should you kind be yourself you can.
Thank they I then upstairs go they all go then alone I again. Again.
Events like inaccessible every encounter when I us, such say tell imply they go away you no you again ever and. Say tell believe they no welcome no matter truly we such when venue architecture attitudes belief of such. No worth we. Go away we. Historic ongoing and.
Disability crip exclusion sequester society from through so legacy continue and of such arts culture public organising inaccessible to. Legitimise accede okay society such this and this of. Go away of us normal expected so we. Normal expected enabled so they.
Say believe assert they unavoidable when of events put together small grassroots arts culture subculture many now. But cultures homes these not your cultures homes of alone. Sick disabled crips and all us too creative community mind of politically culturally engaged of. Just same you of like. All us too sexual kinks nerds geeks environmental conscious of. Passion expressive much as and and.
When space yours of come we culture arts community and, demand no longer we afterthought extra checkbox you. Demand ever so so long we have that you care now to, declare rights we fundamental hear respect rectify and decades so. And they you ever hmm hmm tricky heritage and. Go away legacy trauma history ours to excuse justify complicity they you.
Yet but bodies illnesses mobility aids neurotypes and with us everyday same hometown world here architecture navigators nooks hacks ever ever we. Elevators ramps power outlets quiet where dark where any ever know we do. Decades many us crip gathering community movement accessibility and of standards much high normal so. Accessibility inclusion safety love all us of. No one behind left ever us of. Long ever ever us have did do and.
Know already we accessible gatherings and to how.
Care you if, learn you then.
Night close to gig slow conclude linger home to and. Down descend stairs come all they youth rumbling life connection beauty.
Catch ya later, man
What even see you of I tonight, what think say you mean so this.
Have a good night
Sure did.
Well take care of yourself, put yourself first
Wish they you did such. Such sick this of again again to I us and. Body spirit mind all bang whack go away and to ever again. Stairs hill ideology and put in me they, cannot too much and let’s go just.
Day days after and nobody I go away I me to. Fucking done I can’t more no such they hmm oh sorry oh oh empty hope inaction oh.
Hi Patrick! It was so nice having chats with you
I’ve refunded the ticket from try booking
I hope you enjoyed the performances even though you were outside
I’ve definitely learned from my mistake. Won’t happen next time I pinky promise
Much luv
Read.
COVID-19 when suddenly arts culture meetings performances workshops every accessible home from transitioned they fucking immediately so. They act declare so such clever ingenious adaptation virtual events so. Me and you and you and you had years years so ask petition recommendation please why don’t you would help if consider perhaps video stream gather option or. Years. What care so they really access to, what care so really they of I of us.
* * *
And such so be, where meet I us would you. Would you sorry oops go upstairs well heritage hospitals tricky and. Would silence you look away lock door us go away narrative knowledge good or. Would tears heavy splat me down us down you cannot too hard too much we soothe comfort endlessly and.
Rigid thorny architecture of they. How fear they annihilate ravish crumble us such did such do. How silly they. How quaint they.
Reach in with such love muscle brain ours and what buildings can do of our floorplans sing. Who comes crip queer heart sitemap but magic morph lines new cut and sometimes any or. Any possible all and true architecture crip of. Flux walls here gelatine snow of space yes grow. Here multi-change allow crises rest be meeting welcome and. Such crises flare ups can see could okay good wonderful just as we. No go away no horror threat as if of we never, never again.
See we who are we how are vitality voice value today later past all here has ever so. We crip human eternal infinite be, power ours so see this intact unabridged everything we. And see always had we so. Always know we so. Always truths lives bodies brains good glory this all we.
Grief horror broken and was you. How fear such you. Fragile. As like architecture such yours to, barricade you do ours life beyond such torment yours of invented.
How fear you such death upon body brain spirit mine ours, such death yourself made-up.
2.
Image description: a blackout poem which reads “u/survive/In a/language/outstanding”.
People social-distancing when did many clothing upbeat special dress outside ever could for. Outside rubbish take groceries errands or see costumes fun fancy of best of on did. Internet social media news like and.
First could myself again outside hello I colour no dresses lipstick no masc straight hide did must.
Stress hardship such ever around people all. Fear I such aggravate enflame white men to faggot cunt you queer femme if I outside. Fear such global local tensions ever release offload white men this deviance I onto queer femme if I outside.
Fear white men of such twisted gift is.
Know I to car come pause beside steady footsteps alone behind grim entitled glare to and vigilant quick don’t look walk away. Judgment many sharp quick safe yes no hmm this white man that white man another white man. Ever white man. Gentlest surest I how diffuse distance disappear and.
World streets Messenger inbox dense pulsing danger always. Warm dripping danger down spine mine nudge prod say watch listen very protect. Such fractional miniscule this that predictions survival between to, me eye contact proximity acknowledgement or, they staring speaking shouting physical or.
Harassment public homophobia first experience of I Victoria Park January afternoon Tuesday 15 years old. Teenager alien grunge green wig fishnets short shorts black lipstick like. Op shop punk did then walk home train station to. Four times one hour of then did. Cornering swearing intimidate try they cars bikes from shout holler blare.
Why are you dressed like that you little fucker
He’s a man!
Men aren’t supposed to wear women’s clothes
Train home photographed they laughing did some. Home bedroom diary write hmm how say can such was what this. Fear I yes felt. Fear I though father rage hit different this much not so. Home safe never had. Just cos. Questioned not, challenged not. Then too public sudden safe not. Something diary wrote verbally harassed today I few times. Think question of not since.
Outside was be unsafe norm so COVID-19 way before. But man look as can I survival masc dress be different hide publicly by, addition stay home by to, woman womxn fem unlike. Male privilege this so. Safety mine assurance can clean face trousers by. Fear half so deep flat voice square walk trudge perform so if.
Toxic masculinity this so too. Forceful obtrusive egocentric be and voice visibility elevation cultural occupational social and to. White boys men artists they say what why being man is how hmm being man what means hmm art. See not they expectations fulfilment social role of man unto man for, man for man alone is. Masc masc protects. Masc masc uplifts. Masc masc sustains. Say not they man tool is, man mask means.
Being man I hate hate so. Being man trust believe in not I so. Being man why survival of the cruellest. Being white why survival of the cruellest. Man colony and serve not world street community home peace nonviolence of and. Man colony and serve not future freedom fight work dream of we. Man colony and itself unto serve such force with. Such artificial self-serving narrative goodness hope insist of they. Redundant breakable fallacies.
* * *
I 15 teenager then see poetry writing websites YouTube Alok Vaid-Menon witness see body voice human like me there here. Declares forthright decisive of Alok Vaid-Menon come monsters night at see I men short for monsters, avows mine wrong body born no but wrong world is I here so, recounts they terrorist woman undefinable see I shock challenge unravel I they.
Then brown baby queer I see possibility Alok hope Alok alive Alok. Pulse spirit mine like see. Power mine like be.
Alok social media also much many public see follow attack and. Alok post speak amplify screenshot comments attacks such many. See I hurt breathe pray share.
Back three months today from published was interview artist writer fighter voice I beautiful strong arts org platform Facebook page on, joyous bright I photograph did too lipstick beard brown skin turquoise dress did.
First trolling incident had I then did, hundreds hundreds everywhere east coast America and.
hhahahha who is this ?? another depressed gay ?? LOL
Maybe he should go back to his country of origin for a visit
He can put forward his views there too.
wonder how long he would last lol…
Laugh reacts spam over support comments all on tagging sharing elsewhere and. Page arts org of reach out so support check in monitor delete attacks speak out attacks and. Friends some message what do can I how are you says horrible this how. Know then I didn’t what need I, what say should I. It’s okay I, you how feel do may ask I. Many friends colleagues admins they outrage appal upset reporting deleting anything can so. Of course. Such blessing love care this for I and so.
Nothing think feel really I about then. Profiles they explore trawl I screenshot save later art writing or make this of. Men most, firearms pride such masc mask of profile image frames public posts and.
Sometimes Social / Always Fascist
Such many how know not I admins or find did such single post small arts org Facebook page they. Hundreds share such too did.
Page one share did to see I click memes mostly of, frustration ego boosts feminism lesbians cancer is allude they and.
There I bright beautiful.
This is why we need to Ring god and build an Ark ready for a huge flood
Flood cleanse earth deviance of for meaning they.
Scroll this such many beautiful queer femme women fat loud loving. Such many lol horror outrage vomit emoji and. Scroll some further I then there Alok. Alok. Luminous. Free. Stolen. Power pride self and vacated they discard dismantle did revolted entertained such they Alok. Such they I.
New such nothing of like did feel I. But something did like confirm such once for I see to Alok I and same meme page such this. Teenage bedroom hero hope life mine, trust I honour I weld strength queer brown bones such many days nights and then. Here again see I Alok pain survival power true. Here virtual proximity posts several apart see I me. Too so mine pain survival power true be.
* * *
Says Alok Vaid-Menon men of ever know not I want they beat me, be with me, be me or. Last years two three so or too I say see such know not. Tempestuous erratic anything claim devour annihilate do men, such desperate sustain masc unto masc accountability avoid to men. Perplex I so ever.
Northbridge afternoon gaudy shirt masc earrings slightest of I bus disembark trivial moment sudden man fucking pervert blast rattling voice fright I. Bus stop same disembark man this swift walk run I almost not too much acknowledge engage do not look back do not. Fear I yes but get main street 20 metres first must hurry hurry.
There IGA in something get I cashier okay day you how about fine okay I as if. Friend then phone call I not okay loved one mine tells projection they not you anger they about them in not I not your fault I. I okay yes but such wrath uninhibited they such like, how such they could projection pain trauma deep theirs such to reverberant bloodthirsty shout such they.
Sometimes but such white men fear I not. Such like spectrum white men ponder provoke respond which.
Evening train father family kids and men well-groomed furrow disquiet hmm like see I see children see I taut subtle supple they. Questioning. Quiet.
Bus stop burly seated men tough crumpled faces see I flowing attire twinkle gentle like smile I, beat faces dog-eared stern such but eyes in meet I look something kindle remember do. Look away they. Look again they, stoic pause frozen, hope trembling dread dream flash second their eyes in. Look away they. I see. I keep. I wish.
Long-term girlfriend adolescent artist men virile liberal mid-part bangs street apparel crisp, they see I soft see I strong see I open loud queer to. Joy sometimes they see I so. Hold touch proximity mine cheek kiss sometimes they. Veiled misogyny like. Hidden public desire queer like. Fear sometimes they when see I themselves see they so reflection possibility unprepared. Fumble stammer glancing sneak again again. Guilty such feeling then staggered stunned so queer to see they why amend revise response such closer louder attention I to. Cis straight is must ever they emphasise convey very very.
Men this such around masc more I queer hide I then for discomfort embarrassment transfer they to me why. And deny blame insulate they assert if hmm why please don’t I.
You’re being too harsh on me
It doesn’t make a difference to me how you dress
Worse get then such they if mention speak about try I. Bashful guarded clumsy speech eye contact presence so. So stockings jewellery fuchsia more I such men these to see ever I. No hiding supressing pretending so sensitive men for I. Let them inconvenience themselves. So fragile masculinity unchallenged masc unto masc and very own theirs with they do. Cavorting confliction dilemma they to such simple sight I upon of. Redundant breakable fallacies.
* * *
Men think assert believe such they powerful extraordinary virtuous if masc masc brasher loftier they. Higher deeper jab occupy refute womxn fem queer such challenged by they if, logic reason western science alone enforce must delirious useless our emotive sensual resilience love say they.
Such see not know not they womxn fem queer courage commitment audacity such survive grow be love to when here everywhere world such so daunt menace kill every any all day night ever. Such see not know not they womxn fem queer liberate recover remember such body sexuality heart mind and ours is ours is ours is ours though such masc otherwise thought told insisted us children school home university workplace state streets not ours so.
Such truly womxn fem queer power virtue sleeps dreams stirs ever is. Power this of not so claim other occupy other mark other. Power this of body self all choice be own ours ever ours. Power this of land ocean gentle formidable to care to listen love protect return to and.
She ze xe breastbone lips hair in such mine here, breathing dancing singing oh music wisdom healing joy such such be love she ze xe. Here such you brave beautiful fucking yes so sis. Here such how home you get ride order I message when home get yeah love you. Here such anger angry Bla(c)k angry brown angry crip angry trans angry poor oh rebellion titanic blazing love commit give all all ever ever protect emancipate liberate to children mothers aunties sistxrs and. Here she ze xe power faith knowledge and I from live from grow from be from walk. Such here to return I closing day each. Alive.
Such truly womxn fem queer for who how protect sustain care myself for. Scream run men do from femme queer hide so. And so do she ze xe I femme queer for, to, why.
Too besides, hide deviance feminine queer they from such when I do truly men such poorer for. Know how I such provoke play pain men yes oh I. Sight word wrist mine alone thrown temper sudden such men. See I white men huff bark squeal to simple be allow femme queer seen I if. See I white men clamour brother welcome ordain I masc some if.
Know such well games theirs I. Know such well so with womxn fem queer none here if such then challenge beloved theirs of none, test masc of none, define sustain assert masc then what who for against such how could. Need no more would ruthless sustain masc then men to.
Dress adorn be I femme queer myself for she ze xe for, ever never to and men for I. Public be I when and men turbulent exchange ritual such know I so very fear do they, so so fear meaningless masc crumbling world such desired built white men did power of they be could.
Weakness inferiority ours say men such fabrication story tell they masc unto masc.
Be weakness inferiority ours so lie strategy invention.
Be power importance men so lie strategy invention.
Be witnessed public presence I brilliant ancient queer femme so watched preyed intimidated men do.
So do I watch prey intimidate men to. So do I unravel. So do I be.
3.
Image description: a blackout poem which reads “by/meeting/try/with/time/You are/painting/a live/and/direct/power”.
Workers all was are ever indivisible interdependent such class nationalism capitalism colonialism and. Sex work do I for indivisible interdependent such disability I racial traumas I colonialism to capitalism to and.
Never expression embody sexuality creativity mine such for was. Never artist be I to funding income sustain no substantial no why. Sex work I so education training employment and ever obscured distant I to such brown crip be. Colony white (en)abled and never they so had project protect occupation state empire world such Bla(c)k brown crip and for. Composition foundation operation such all colony state occupy and ever always Bla(c)k no brown no crip no and. Ever ever perish annihilate possess private public self-concept and Bla(c)k brown crip and Australia! Australia!
Such so disability I racial traumas I primary high school tertiary and I no go away subtle forceful ever ever and.
No, it’s not about learning, it’s about achieving
This is very hard on your lecturers
Maybe you should consider whether it’s actually appropriate for you to audition for this course
Such then so hustle hard work overwork I ends meet such. Ever always has, ever I questioned complained can do none. All say they such Patrick such busy you such many work ever you.
You’re so ambitious
Never I choice so in such have had.
* * *
2019 April May so or I sex work radar conscious milieu was such mine had years been so. Decriminalisation community work prison industrial complex justice so and. Teenager child when and remember ever not I feel believe say so such immoral shameful jest or, say such though here there so classmates youth other and.
Had I straightforward simple always sex workers people just workers just, history legacy activism resistance survivors and too be. Such common ground I we so. History legacy resistance activism survival mine such honour hope pride asset mine and. Same so sex workers so. Undoubtedly.
2019 April May so or I sex work to decisions plan research first myself do for so. Until so coped survived I such had disabilities childhood violence intergenerational trauma such and. Until so then managed weathered family mine such financial social burdens oh of.
Amma mostly so she did. Amma ever survival resistance incarnate so she. Amma low country Kotapola district girl miles school home school walk so rice grind wrists cook so ambitious so never choice had she.
Amma ever hardest work study learn she university could such only so of four children family hers only one afford support university to so hardest work so she.
Amma doctor hospital civil war rebel death threats work if go she so go she work to she. Patients who would treat then if not she such so. Such doctor hospital Melbourne they credentials invalid exams re-sit she doctor general practice Mandurah lead manage own hers she white husband challenge cannot could not so she seventeen eighteen years lead manage own now so she.
Saving rescue need no she had ever. But truly time now I Amma liberate must labour live so me for from.
Job any attainable easy so I not do could standing writing noise speaking moving prolonged or. But hungry so was I free Amma to, free Amma from. Full service sex work such I only way so believed. Never sex such I before had any or. Sex therapist acquaintances internet such see please tell advice how I spirit mine protect sex unwanted so if must I know you tell you please.
Sex therapist tell mutual respect such could sex work I such clients all listen boundaries needs mine I to could. Huh. Speak solemn slow such he tricky so been must for him to.
Sex worker peers one two to I so how I myself look after so very afraid I please. Say such hmm perhaps auction virginity could so you. Say should really so you sex work so after sex experience you. Grindr perhaps try.
I yes too sex start so special perfect meaningful or need not so be, say feel not I need so to first time memorable say.
I did though. I something safe familiar thorough needed I first time so.
This okay so. Repeat remind I this okay so.
Months so I jobs seek apply interview sorry Patrick not this time. Arts administration youth work any qualify experience so I. Each every no okay understand I thank you. Then body enter so shadow dread urgency isolation bones rigid breath cold.
Look around such artists peers and how many so you same right now this.
Cannot answer I. Such arts ableism inaccessibility and but white feminism privilege tokenism tick boxes too so.
Wonder were industry such this product survival of so or class privilege of so. More so or cultural privilege the right stories so the right bodies so the right language so. Arts Australia such so designed intended delivered so marginalised us be survive not. Arts Australia such so colony for still ever.
* * *
Recount explain cannot all ever I here of what transpired such so sex work start could safe enough I to, though all ever so my work so community work and through had.
Sex worker community non-judgemental diverse welcoming ever so oh. More felt I so ever than community LGBTIQA+ so gatekeeping policing whitewashing secularising identity concept experience and. Sex workers such kinks gender expressions sexual fluidity all unquestioned unchallenged talked shop so easy.
Most all so understood I prejudice unsound fear so to gripped had I. Believed I sex work scariest harshest so but never truly learned met I so community this disprove to had. Such repetitive unending must sex workers public facing destigmatise to so, ever so hatred violence othering policed must protective defensive diluted public conversation so. Understood I shield veil this be so public vanillas all centuries behind they so why. Overload swamp frenzy everyone such would if sex workers intelligence resourcefulness kindness entire such seen. Fraction miniscule sex work of see already such they fatality moral panic legal discrimination do.
When about almost such I start then pandemic lock-downs closures everything. Full service brothels parlours clubs and. Penalties fines arrest criminalise work in person to so extensively so. Panic worry fear we so. Many such survival sex workers housing food bills how so cannot if work not. Many so street based sex workers surveillance interrogate police unsafe to already. Many so Bla(c)k trans disabled and target so vulnerable this ever and.
Sex worker community such so then fundraise skill share resources circulate generate work act fight so Sex Workers Outreach Project Scarlet Alliance Lysistrata and. Crowd-funding emergency support sex workers to here many elsewhere and did. Adapt together work so online phone media chats and sex workers to. Move grow learn so must we. Move grow learn so have we. Oldest surviving profession world entire so sex work. Pandemic regardless so survive would we too.
Then such so I dominant phone sex operator online remote home from can no restrictions no risk. Three hours three days so phone sex domination shifts week each tried.
First days couple so no traffic normal say they so heard I.
Look compare such other advert listings chat boys dominants and such proud vibrant commanding oh. Need me you do so. Witless make you so. Scowling clenched fists selfies so.
I quiet soft so welcoming wholesome marmalade beech tree photograph. Colour psychology orange excite hope provoke had so read. Wanted needed I so attract provide clients quiet soft of so too. Oh how loved would I brown gender variant political hi yes let’s to. Wish easy could so be all for.
Such though never market this was. Such though market this trade seasoned punters hobbyists enthusiasts isolated masc white men such.
Such so had to I something different try.
Afternoon one spent whole listing research rewrite edit such I sexier appealing and. Never seen so anyone this side mine of. Never wanted had to give anyone so. Now nor. Aching numbing push on so. Such still entangled expect such synonymous sex work struggle with. Say believe repeat I others many so past today and conditions such gruelling more agency privilege less that I. Suck it such Patrick repeat I.
Days weeks such after mornings afternoons ever bed stay blankets sleep consolation avoidance. Cannot will not fear so face challenge day world work and.
Flaws two here thinking in I had.
First so, privilege if even I mean not isolate deliberately like then so.
Second so, had never reason here for believe so I not capable.
Quarantine had meeting making speaking spaces closed. Such so months had I of no white (en)abled entitled bodies voices I in between survive pressed suppress to everyday. Forgotten had I such enjoyable is so to breathe. Really breathe. Live work be such myself for communities mine for families mine for pleasure just for. White (en)abled men or got already of everything what need they. Sure won’t missed be I.
White (en)abled men or authors artists ideas pull chuck bookshelf off cardboard box pack deal later with you will. Jamila Woods Morgan Parker Mani Rao Fatimah Asghar Bella Green tell me they power we they strong smart undefeatable. Feeding myself hope joy with womxn Bla(c)k brown sex worker with. Raise awaken such words ideas they coloured imprinted all here blood mine voice mine. Such words ideas oldest longest time sow nurture harvest have. Paddy fields beaches kitchens bedrooms.
Took month so or I return work to. Took years many shame shatter shed and come to I listing updated then such to command presence such insistence power sexuality abundance I now.
Voice images so fierce abundant unbreakable I convey declare so. Minutes within updated such one two three four hi excuse me how are you hello can we. Read such what want they rapid thorough then so warm firm hmm to or mock laugh pity such how want me so they but need I not they. Bit bit by give I what want they. Ask request compromise nothing I go now back work Sunday say sorry no calling without pre-negotiation say tell me so say you are so say. Never below clients such place myself I. Can’t fuck with me.
On the line stay they until leave must elsewhere go so. Glowing pounding joy zest laughter I a lot a lot sink endorphins such dom drop reflections write bright colours wear outside walk hour so Master put away.
Decompress expand park street or be I they see know not this strong smart undefeatable. Repeat I debt property man white or to I never. Remember I learned what had Janelle Monáe like power is just sex so, you screw I and screw you I too will so.
* * *
Would not say I sex work so taken lost anything I through. Such expectation belief had I such friends mine such public imaginary to.
Was such rather upbringing influences culture government childhood violence from me took did. Remember reclaim I sexuality mine body mine voice mine presence mine unto me so such many to. Therapy trauma queer friendly so then friendships community ableist no whitewashing no find stay so then move out cultivate nourish home mine mine of two years to so and. Such I all through work stumble rise again again to sex work proud pro dom phone sex operator here now I.
Sex work empower liberate not so me. Me sistxrs of colour crips sex workers elders community legacy activism ideas permission empower liberate so me.
Again again today so friends acquaintances mutuals when I yes sex worker this so I do yeah simple straightforward neutral expression face voice words perhaps to and they so ardent adamant obtrusive over me voice perspectives mine and declare they celebrate they so sex work such wonderful such effortless such beautiful, but never have they sexy dom voice fantasy persona consistent maintain demands meet negotiate communicate pleasure prolong through hour longer so unchanging money customer service rent for.
I believe it’s good to do sex work!
Everyone thinks sex work is such a bad thing but you’re so open about it and CLEARLY so happy about it and it’s such an inspiring thing to see!
Usually when people think of sex work they think of old hags and they don’t realise there can be sex workers like you!
I hey look don’t so misogyny body shaming ageism classism here hey look don’t so assume predict story experience mine of naive conceptualisation response yours two words to through here hey look explain educate drag myself so survival sex workers good people matter too so open about I mean enjoy I easy so I not so necessarily.
They oh ha beaming proud misappropriated outlook edgy freeing comfortable them so unruffled composed faces no longer me at looking swept away elsewhere they.
Lips press shut I subject change bring up them with never again. Reflect question silently myself with such do how care matter they sex work to really when such conversations give sharing generosity sex workers give give still they mutual dialogue cannot they unfounded grand notions theirs centre they centre must.
See fathom honour not could yet so they sistxrhood amity affinity correspondence so aptitude artful collaborative laugher love sex workers so. Their loss so. Coffee tables phone calls literature internet forums so. How are you come over tea lounging we men such unpredictable inconsistent unreliable clients yeah exactly hey. Hilarity humour so late-night phone call old friend OnlyFans make porn family home old mattress ceramics littered bedroom plants everywhere bad idea hey. Daddy dyke elder video call tell so girlfriend mine then pro dom so this self-care take care so did she perhaps consider you for.
Such rise I morning each to work so dread no more fear no more. Same time set up I notebook pen water right laptop of, phone earphones fidget cube left laptop of, plastic toy Kinder Surprise old friend sex worker peer mine Christmas present he gave me so put corner laptop of.
When such world better safe free be escorts porn strippers all so don’t know I. Then until so nothing ever so could rescind erase deny so unstoppable persistent astute love lift up so sex workers such oh. Without such so legacy work stories visibility love so better safe free I would not be. Through all such so legacy work stories visibility love I so continue persevere do.
Honour privilege truly such so come from I to be so here, such lineage history community so. Such strong, such smart, such undefeatable.
4.
Image description: a blackout poem which reads “a giant voice/full of bubbles/and/unbridled in/glory”.
Once would I laughter voice mine to so deflect protect hide I to so.
Laugh speak school teenager I to attention belonging somehow something so jest banter I Patrick silly, Patrick incompetent, Patrick meaningless so yeah see see.
Laugh speak then adult mainstream artist go bellow guffaw big sharp invasive foyer audience I such mirror assimilate masc mirror assimilate white mirror assimilate trendy popular adored ego so please see care to I too.
Such laughter voice so these so not mine. Not ever were. Vocalise such survival for to so these. Different I, unwanted I, mask such so speak sound them be like copy attempt be so I, such so laugh jeer they about I so degrade so social value somehow matter meaning I can more more.
Today no more do so I. No such more any laughter voice they demean diminish such of here body mind heart mine be.
Today such laughter joy voice purpose quiet mine be.
Mine be.
Mine now.
Recall such I first home of was so mine. Not so violence childhood home to, bullying college home to, unwelcoming share home or. First home such so first safest care freedom of to had I.
April 2018. Pink dust walls see sunrise enter golden cast through umber dining table home. Breathe steam stovetop porridge so cracked kitchen tiles cream narrow too pause. Faded paper lantern lights Baldwin Shanbhag read by bustling main road beside all night.
Here so bedroom one home one mine so all.
Expand reach be so myself think dress cook speak for, purple pansy skirt baggy princess disco music hand-drying dishes, knowledge concept magnify so social model of disability white fragility sexual liberation podcasts interviews books art.
No any ever one enter occupy could home mine so body mine so permission consent mine without so. Rules expectations first home this so rules expectations mine be so would too.
First ever home mine this so safest lived I had so unfamiliar unprepared unexpected this so for. First months I of ever collapse wailing grieving elicit past fragment present safe unsafe interwoven so, preceded too so share home trauma so to Amma’s home muzzling masking so to friends’ spare room unsettled uncertain month persevere so to childhood home to furnishings belongings memories traumas gather so then first home move in so I.
Pale walls dark floors vacant silent apartment be body mine strength control so seeping swallowing folding into, muscle stamina motion to shallow short. Alone empty rooms so lie I floor back straight to, inquire concern ceiling to how so could so home independently I so chronic fatigue like so.
Choose I so then speak see father to no more ever so and therapy learning healing working to, renew relearn such voices history future mine. Months months to home so remembering repeating so I body mine so body mine so body mine so, and true so father voice hands no more to.
Months months gentle perceptive gradual touch know okay body yes, okay sexual yes. Masturbating sunrise midnight lube plugs hands, come such to remember imagine man this fancy I man that adore I man so want I, voice smile warmth his and oh.
Remember such I first orgasm of so thinking dreaming visualise dick of so to, completely free completely home twenty seconds joy liberate oh taper wane heaving breathing to tears cry tremble shaky breath, dire burden despair I so so comprehend acknowledge unravel really to so never had felt embody know allowed such happiness home of so nineteen years body heart I, supress shame mask avoid so so nineteen years I unforgiving fear.
Months months many so I to feel believe know I yes home safe is so here yes queer sexual valuable wonderful okay is so here. Remember repeat I so yes but remember then not so, nightmares pressure unrest troubles if so memories stories growth healing I to or.
Months three ago now to I queer movie couch Nestlé chocolate watch to gender non-conforming high school isolation unloved unstoppable pride conviction see story of computer screen. Closing credits to I tremble stiffen kitchen go hair pull howl so how trouble hopeless overcome many youth movie character this so how trouble hopeless overcome many I had so. Breathing soothing holding I so okay okay repeat, suddenly quiet so voice hear so inside. Sensitive poof.
Laughter love erupt such chest leap tears rid witness adore I such so sensitive poof. Such so indeed, such so I, such so sensitive poof mine now.
First home when laughter came so was laughter first of mine truly. Then April May 2018 home laughter night shadows dinner pan bedsheets into so, room apartment space so receive embrace rejoice.
Such laughter so surprise unacquainted not so I was, so ever had buried be sleeping waiting within bones muscle skin mine so. When did so laughter mine rattle lungs frolic lips deep tangible true so normal expected most of I.
Voice body ebullient mirth, dearness precious see I so humans loved ones self of care imperfection virtuous and. Voice body vitalise infallible humour, read hear I so white fragility privilege guilt of self-conscious fumbling self-centred caution repetitive low lilt. Voice body ignite joy resilience power remember so overcome I how survive I how alive I how.
Laughter mine sound action so transitory medium of consciousness presence envision.
Laughter mine sleeping waiting bones muscle skin in I unexpressed so perpetual fire of revival.
* * *
When quarantine pandemic declared all they white (en)abled public platforms so bustle urgent social media post acknowledge privilege so then disengage histories complicities justice work so refugees disabled domestic violence COVID-19 and. Many such so arts venues arts funding creative work mourn white (en)abled compliant artists, many such so grieve so certainty normality stability no more.
Astonished quite was I of such audacity so journalists writers colleagues and so verbalise avow sustain nationalist homogenous safe home concept of when such so indisputably not so now past ever or. Certainty normality stability whose for ever unnamed, home safety work defined by ever unreferenced.
Over over and learn discover they living working home from how to from scratch. Years years had I we sick disabled crips many bloom active endure home bedroom hospital from yet when mention remind I so avoid such they discussion dialogue privilege guilt of then broadcast decree elsewhere such privilege theirs aware care do do so something something.
Years years had I we political transgressive brown crip critical artists so vocal visible express such arts ever systemic racism systemic ableism. Persistently frequently witnessed so I we onstage online community public reports conversations artworks again again, speak out arts industry tone-policing tokenism underrepresentation harmful representation inaccessible culturally unsafe traumas such we within white (en)abled colonially compliant arts so. Years work struggle of such had we to today pandemic prevailing arts voices such glorify venerate whitewash emulsify arts artists ever so such as if I never had we spoke resisted at all, such as if years work struggle of such ours nothing achieved so at all.
Again such so black square post Black Lives Matter rallies attend white allyship infographics share circulate so new-fangled responsibilities as if choosing listen act so only now not so matter not so responsible they five ten twenty many years already before so as if.
Again such articulate examine experts assumed so university arts degrees inaccessibility increased prices so disregard obscure so university inaccessible already such underrepresentation marginalised students arts degrees in such arts humanities cultures ideas wrought wrestled so many who by no degrees had have did they we today before and.
First week two so quarantine of colleagues peers several so message reach out so offer support I to unprecedented so.
How could ever such I explain oh this last year so usually empty fridge meal planning day day by half months long so or, would really I so appreciated such your support then but so pretty prepared I this for don’t worry.
How could ever such I disclose suicidal exceedingly days weeks for so such these Facebook posts news articles local global conversations again again annihilate moderate indifferent to so my our voices my our bodies my our lives.
One night so suicidal phone call old friend five years so Black crip artist activist to amber bedroom light bed sinking closing into hold witness love together. Share exchange mutual such so COVID-19 concerns fears so communities ours marginalised and survival how to stay alive how to us each other so. Arms neck bent inward outward so listen speak be voice laughter us fuck the arts don’t kill yourself here home such so.
Such so did remember repeat how natural expected feel of so yourself want to kill when everyday be so in a world that wants to so kill us. Understand then do not want to die I, world so wants me to die so, yet so ever many brown crip marginalised so do not so want. My life our future lives precious more more so than to noxious pitiless voices laughter theirs so unchanged by our deaths would remain.
Black crip love knowledge voice so surge circulate brown crip body voice mine through so melt such fear such restraint such disorientation so rejuvenate energise such I determination curiosity clarity so vision action empower to go such must must yes.
Go away say they unwanted say they unknown say they inhabit embitter edited so roots self-concept growth mine ours so. Urgently must so I we our own voices relearn remember revive.
Swiftly such unfollow stop reading so social media journals books music white (en)abled men any, cultivate recall replace such online feed bookshelf internal library so own voices strong voices healing voices so. Such so spirited rosy rousing so truth realness return so here novels poetry yarns home walls ceiling body such rhapsody treasury laughter voices wisdom so elders sistxrs warriors everywhere so here so my home my laughter my voice.
Work mine no longer so writing room rehearsal room delicate toil so censor translate satisfy model minority enterprise unsupported exhausted.
Work mine such today so splashing hands scrubbing rice stuck pan Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarsinha phone broadcast shelf nearby so laughing contemplating reflecting planning we I hmm analyse invent community mitigated crises past now could.
Then sink drain kettle start sit down check in family sistxrs networks write up client session plan research unfamiliar fetish for next day call to then art make so archive present ours determine futures ours collective care democratised learning accountable growth.
I yesterday read white (en)abled men conceptual essay pieces politics arts capitalism so such voice absurd unfamiliar now I to. Truly completely how believe they such experiences theirs universal so, expect they readership visibility platform freely given to entitled to so. How oh consider position sustain they so voice ideas expressions theirs original vital as if so, florid expositions vulnerability such radical revolutionary as if so. If only.
Foremost so lesson quarantine learned through have I was so well-read informed thorough alive can be so without ever white (en)abled men reading listening upholding again. And here so speak I so speak we, so archive evidence such moment work knowledge ours of this so myself my family my children for.
Bla(c)k brown crip womxn joy rigour so margins from we heckle menace privileged so unmasking in public so. Such voices bodies laughter ours be so entire. Accountably thoroughly collectively futures will so truly ours be so entire.
This voice ours this mind ours awaken emerge manifest I we through of longest story unending ever so dreaming loving working hope of so. Here so ancestors artists activists leaders oppressed so descents possibilities future remember envision did they so dream love work hope we here so be through, we here so do toward.
Perhaps so one day such someone another young brown crip afraid despairing so may read listen such these here voices and know so survive resist alive be precedent possible truly so can.
Us we so have end of the world survived already. Us we so will end of the world survive again.
Follow the links to find out more about the initiative Living in the Queerantine and to see all of the successful grant applicants. Or visit the Midsumma Blog for more Queerantine works by Midsumma artists.
